What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
