well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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