what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
