She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
