I'm going to rape someone's good day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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