Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
