I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
