there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
