i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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