I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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