Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you had me at cake vodka
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
