i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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