Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
