Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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