You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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