In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
