Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
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