I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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