sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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