Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
