I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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