Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
