I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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