we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We were destined to go to rehab together
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize