first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
