You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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