Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
