God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize