you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
