All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
