Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
