its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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