Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
