She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
