if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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