my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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