There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
