at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
