i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
