Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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