I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize