i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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