she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize