This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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