but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
worst night to have a conscience
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
