The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
