I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize