Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
