I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
