is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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