There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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