3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My hand turned me down
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
