Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
