That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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