It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
