The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize