I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize