There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
