I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
